Embedded Files
I fought nature, gravity, and bugs to get here. So why am i sitting next to a used battery?
The Current Situation
Look at me. Go on, zoom in. I am currently situated at coordinates X, Y on a beige laminate surface, sandwiched between a drained AA battery and a generic pink highlighter.
I am not a paperweight. I am Actinidia Deliciosa. And I am having a crisis.
You see a snack. I see a tragedy. Because if you knew what it took for me to get here, you wouldn't just leave me sitting here while you fiddle with Excel Pivot Tables.
The Struggle (Phase I)
My story didn't begin on this desk. It began in the dirt.
Germination was not a gift; it was a war. I was born in darkness, fighting earthworms for personal space. I pushed through the hard crust of the earth, screaming silently for sunlight. I battled the Great Frost. I withstood the Scorching Sun.
I spent months growing this skin—a fuzzy, golden-brown armor designed to protect the sweet, emerald perfection inside. I held onto the branch while lesser fruits fell to gravity and birds. I survived.
The Dream (Phase II)
Then came the harvest. The selection. When the sticker was placed upon my side, I thought it was a medal of honor. A badge of rank.
I sat in the crate at the supermarket, practicing my angles. "Pick me," I whispered to the shoppers. "I am firm, yet yielding. I am the chosen one."
I had a vision.
I saw myself at a Gala. I imagined being sliced with precision Japanese steel, fanned out into a star shape, and nestled between a strawberry and a grape on a silver platter. I dreamed of being the crown jewel atop a Pavlova, covered in cream, served to people in tuxedos.
I was destined to be Art.
The Reality (Phase III)
But you bought me. And you didn't take me to a Gala. You took me to... the office.
My neighbors are not exotic berries. My neighbor is a stack of paperwork and a battery that ran out of juice in 2025. The air is dry. The fluorescent lights hum.
I am ripening by the minute. I am screaming in flavor. Yet here I sit, an organic paperweight in a digital world, watching you type emails.
The clock is ticking. I am getting softer. If I am not consumed by 4:00 PM, I know my fate. The bin. The oblivion.
So please, show some respect for the journey. Put down the mouse. Pick up a spoon.
Save a Kiwi Today
Don't let your kiwi suffer in silence. If you want to give your desk fruit the dignified end it deserves, you need the right tools.
Product 1: The Kiwi Spoon/Slicer (The "Dignified" Solution)
"Don't make a mess. Slice it like a gentleman."
Link: https://amzn.to/3NlgQe9
Product 2: Desk Organizer (The "Better office/Home" Solution)
"If the kiwi has to live on your desk, at least give him better neighbors than a loose battery."
Link: https://amzn.to/49Ti6hj
Product 3: "Sad" Plushie (The "Merch" Angle)
"Can't eat fruit? Get an emotional support plushie instead."
Link: https://amzn.to/3LDyklh
As an Amazon Associate, i earn from qualifying purchases. This helps support the Sad Kiwi's journey.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse